A Series About My Life As War Veteran’s Wife
It’s been along time between drinks when it comes to deployments in our household. Naturally I am grateful that is the case and I would happily die of thirst if it meant my love didn’t have to go away but, alas today I said good-bye for another stint overseas.
I’m just getting good at this shit!
To be honest I had wondered if it would feel the same each time he deployed. Being an amateur Defence WAG I thought I was far from being the seasoned professional at compartmentalising the emotions of watching him walk away. Seems I’m better at it than I thought. I wondered if I had been training for these farewells for all my life or whether I am and accelerated learner and just getting really good at this shit!
I’ve spent the last three hours in the car driving home from Sydney thinking about his deployments, where he goes, what he does and the hours that turn into days without hearing his voice. I wondered why this time the waves of crying in the shower hadn’t come but the vice like grip on my heart had. Was it because this time it’s not for as long? Was it because last time he was Army and now he is Navy? Or was it because last time we were so new into a relationship that I felt like all of the air left the room when he did? Well the answer is, I don’t have the answer.
Let’s not challenge fate, I’ve heard she can be a real bitch!
I’m not sure duration plays a part. The last deployment was for eight months with a two week break in the middle, this time it’s for three months with no break at all so it will almost be the same time without being able to reach out and touch him. Last time communication was pretty good with us being able talk every few days. This time comms is likely to be less and we may not talk for a week or more at a time. Changing services doesn’t change the risk level and although he tells me “he’s a safe a houses” the notion of him bobbing around in the ocean in a large tin can out of sight of land doesn’t exactly bring me a level of comfort that will make sleeping easy. I do cling to the fact that he has feet much like Ian Thorpe and is a strong swimmer so having to tread water for a few hours will be a walk in the park for him (but let’s not challenge fate, I’ve heard she can be a real bitch!).
When I mix the elements of this deployment with the thoughts of loneliness and the pangs of fear, my emotions begin to bubble away in side me like a caldron filled with heartache, tears and snot. The most prominent thought that rises to the top of pot though is of how our relationship has evolved and strengthen over the past five years. I don’t feel helpless like I did the first time. Sure there are always tears when he leaves, sometimes it can be a slight welling of moisture in the eye to a full blown flood of tears and a roll of the bottom lip but thankfully the occurrence of sitting in the foetal position in the shower sobbing hopelessly is far less frequent these days. This is that compartmentalisation stuff I was talking about earlier.
I feel more prepared mentally for this deployment. We discussed as much of it as was possible in the weeks and months leading up to today and being Navy, we always knew he was going to be away from home and at sea for long periods of time at least in the early days anyway. Five years on, I understand the military a little better and the life that goes along with being married to Defence but nothing prepares you for that moment in time when you realise, you have built a life together and now that’s on the line!
Bon Voyage my love. I pray your skies are blue and the seas are calm.
Same, Same But Different
The Silent Support Army, A Series About My Life As A War Veterans Wife
It’s been along time between drinks when it comes to deployments in our household. Naturally I am grateful that is the case and I would happily die of thirst if it meant my love didn’t have to go away but, alas today I said good-bye for another stint overseas.
To be honest I had wondered if it would feel the same each time he deployed. Being an amateur Defence WAG I thought I was far from being the seasoned professional at compartmentalising the emotions of watching him walk away. Seems I’m better at it than I thought. I wondered if I had been training for these farewells for all my life or whether I am and accelerated learner and just getting really good at this shit.
I’ve spent the last three hours in the car driving home from Sydney thinking about his deployments, where he goes, what he does and the hours that turn into days without hearing his voice. I wondered why this time the waves of crying in the shower hadn’t come but the vice like grip on my heart had. Was it because this time it’s not for as long? Was it because last time he was Army and now he is Navy? Or was it because last time we were so new into a relationship that I felt like all of the air left the room when he did? Well the answer is, I don’t have the answer.
I’m not sure duration plays a part, last time it was for eight months with a two week break in the middle, this time its for three months with no break at all so it will almost be the same period of time without being able to reach out and touch him. Last time communication was pretty good with us being able email everyday and talk every few days. This time comms will be less and it is likely we may not talk for a week or more at a time. The fact that he has changed services doesn’t affect the level danger he is exposed to. He tells me “he’s a safe a houses” although I must be honest, the notion of him bobbing around in a large tin can out of sight of land doesn’t exactly bring me a level of comfort that will make sleeping easy.
I do cling to the fact that he has feet much like Ian Thorpe and is a strong swimmer so having to tread water for a few hours will be a walk in the park for him (I thank god for our dive training for that but let’s not challenge fate, I’ve heard she can be a real bitch!).
When I mix the elements of this deployment with the thoughts of loneliness and the pangs of fear, my emotions begin to bubble away in side me like a caldron filled with heartache, tears and snot. The most prominent thought that rises to the top of pot though is of how our relationship has evolved and strengthen over the past five years. I don’t feel helpless like I did the first time. Sure there are always tears when he leaves, sometimes it can be a slight welling of moisture in the eye to a full blown flood of tears and a roll of the bottom lip but thankfully the occurrence of sitting in the foetal position in the shower sobbing hopelessly is far less frequent these days. This is that compartmentalisation stuff I was talking about earlier.
I feel more prepared mentally for this deployment. We discussed as much of it as was possible in the weeks and months leading up to today and being Navy, we always knew he was going to be away from home and at sea for long periods of time at least in the early days anyway. Five years on, I understand the military a little better and the life that goes along with being married to Defence but nothing prepares you for that moment in time when you realise, you have built a life together and now that’s on the line!
Bon Voyage my love. I pray your skies are blue and the seas are calm.
She Writes 